If my daughter chooses to compete at something, I hope she loses. I don’t wish my daughter ever to suffer pain needlessly. But I hope she loses at least once in her life so that she can learn how to avoid it happening again.
Over the past week or so, the Welsh Macys took a trip up to Glasgow to see the cousins. Among the usual pleasantries of a spring break visit (BBQs, swimming pools and the Glasgow Science Centre), a conversation took place about the state of competition in UK schools. Now, growing up where I did in the States, competition was always encouraged. Having spent time in various primary and secondary schools around the country (because my dad worked for the FBC, not because we were on the lamb, or better yet, fulfilling my early childhood dream of touring the country as a Partridge-family style pop sensation) – I feel that I can speak somewhat authoritatively when I say competition was encouraged in school. You had all kinds of things to take part in that either you won, or you lost (or came somewhere in between). Spelling bees, science fairs, sports, choir – whatever. You name it, you were encouraged to be the best at it. I get the feeling from the conversation with my UK-based contemporaries that although some of the competitions were different (egg and spoon race, donkey derby, bog swimming and pin-the-tail-on-the-peasant), the end result was the same: somebody came first, somebody came last and lots of people were somewhere in the middle.
Nowadays, it seems, the world is scared of letting any child lose, for fear it might irreversibly damage their precious psyches. A friend of mine blogs about it in the US here, and the general consensus around the chips and dips on Saturday was that the UK is following suit. Gone are medals and ribbons and trophies, replaced by ‘participation awards’ and a painstakingly equal distribution of accolades for everyone who bothered to turn up. Interestingly, the consensus from the parents was also that such an environment was a disservice to the kids themselves – it was not in the best interest for their own children NOT to know how to lose. I couldn’t agree more. Everyone needs to learn how to learn from losing. It’s a skill that will ultimately allow kids to identify their priorities and to persevere in achieving their goals.
I don't consider myself to be that competitive, but I absolutely hate losing (did I just contradict myself?). The American football team I play for – hotly tipped to win it all this season - lost this Sunday to a team that has barely beaten teams we’ve swatted away like flies. I couldn’t play because I was in Glasgow. But even though I wasn’t there and didn’t participate, it made me sick to my stomach to think that we were beaten. And I know that it feels the same for my teammates. If we didn’t care about losing, then we probably didn’t care about winning – in which case, why play the game at all? But we did lose - so now what? How do we improve, does it mean enough to us to put the effort in to win next time? How realistic was our objective of winning in the first place, and had we done enough work to earn that victory against someone who also wanted what we wanted? In football, as in life, there isn't always enough of everything to go around. If you want some of what can only be made available to a few, then you have to earn it. If you want it, you have to win - and in order to win, you must do the work and take advantage of the opportunities that come your way. This is what only losing can properly teach us, and this is why everyone should lose at least once.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I don’t think everything is a competition, and I think that 'winning' can be defined in many ways. I beleive that there are many, many aspects in life where there is more than enough to go round and that everyone can have what they want without taking away from anyone else's ability to do the same. In those cases, it's more about our (often misguided) perceptions of need that create competition when there is none. I also believe that ‘just taking part’ is a worthwhile endeavour in some genuine competitions and, to go even further, it’s important to not to try to win every competition at every cost. Sometimes that other person needs to win more than you do, for different reasons – and you need to be able to see that. But in the things that matter enough to you, you need to care about winning. And nothing will teach you how much it means to win better than losing.
Nowadays, it seems, the world is scared of letting any child lose, for fear it might irreversibly damage their precious psyches. A friend of mine blogs about it in the US here, and the general consensus around the chips and dips on Saturday was that the UK is following suit. Gone are medals and ribbons and trophies, replaced by ‘participation awards’ and a painstakingly equal distribution of accolades for everyone who bothered to turn up. Interestingly, the consensus from the parents was also that such an environment was a disservice to the kids themselves – it was not in the best interest for their own children NOT to know how to lose. I couldn’t agree more. Everyone needs to learn how to learn from losing. It’s a skill that will ultimately allow kids to identify their priorities and to persevere in achieving their goals.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I don’t think everything is a competition, and I think that 'winning' can be defined in many ways. I beleive that there are many, many aspects in life where there is more than enough to go round and that everyone can have what they want without taking away from anyone else's ability to do the same. In those cases, it's more about our (often misguided) perceptions of need that create competition when there is none. I also believe that ‘just taking part’ is a worthwhile endeavour in some genuine competitions and, to go even further, it’s important to not to try to win every competition at every cost. Sometimes that other person needs to win more than you do, for different reasons – and you need to be able to see that. But in the things that matter enough to you, you need to care about winning. And nothing will teach you how much it means to win better than losing.
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