Good Lord, Sugar!

I love watching ‘The Apprentice’. At times, it’s so cringe-worthy that my wife and I are both burying our faces in the sofa cushions because we cannot bear the shame we think the would-be Apprentices should be feeling. Last night’s episode was particularly entertaining for a couple of reasons, not the least of which was Lord Sugar’s declaration to Jim (by far my most favourtest Apprentice candidate EVER): “Son, what I've forgotten about bullshit, you haven't even learned yet.”

That got me thinking about some of the stuff I’ve learned, or remembered, in the last 18 months. Here’s the first 5 that came to mind:

1. Nature is kind. How else can you explain not only the survival but the dominance of a creature that is so utterly useless at birth? Human babies must be the most defenceless, most incapable and most delicious babies in the animal kingdom, surely? When we’re born, we know as close to nothing as I think you can get. We can’t feed ourselves, don’t lift our frickin’ heads for months and it’s usually about a year before we could even begin to wobble away from the worst predator EVER. To make it worse, we shit ourselves 4 or 5 times a day. Luckily, our uber-cerebral fully mature adults have conceived of a system whereby we capture that shit and let us carry it around with us, instead of teaching us how to squat in the woods like any respectable being. The fact that we make it to an age to reproduce is nothing short of a miracle. Take away the glass wall in this clip and you have a much gorier home movie:

2. You know a lot of crap. This is kind of tied into (1) in that we are born knowing sweet FA. Other than some very basic reflexes, babies have to learn how to do everything. Even the most natural of things (you’d think), like eating, is only mastered after some incredibly arduous negotiations between baby and boob.

3. We learn very, very quickly and without necessarily being ‘taught’. My daughter can now say the numbers 1-10 in order. I don’t think she understands ‘counting’ as a logical concept, but when she does, she’ll be ready. We taught her that. We counted her peas as she ate them. We counted the stairs as we climbed them. We counted her fingers and toes and had fun doing it. However, she can also say ‘what the fuck?’ pretty clearly and I’m sure we didn’t mean to teach her that.

4. Sleep is precious. This is one of those ‘you don’t miss it ‘til it’s gone’ things. I remember, as a younger man, being able to go 2 or three days in a row, weeks on end, without sleep. I did this the entire second trimester of my Freshman year at WSU, as I volunteered at the college radio station from 2-6 on Wednesday mornings, then went and did a shift in the dorm’s prep kitchen from 7-10 before going to lectures from 11-5. It was just the way things had to be, and it was no problem. Nowadays, anything less than 7 hours one night makes the next day very hard work indeed. When those 7 hours becomes 2-hour shifts between feeds for three or four months, the fatigue starts to build. The only way I can think to describe how it makes me feel is with this clip from the AMAZING 80s TV show, The Incredible Hulk. Replace the word ‘angry’ with ‘tired’ and you’ve got it.

5. ‘Stuff’ is overrated. I’m not sure when it is in our lives that we start to buy into the ‘I need expensive toys’ shtick, but I’m hoping to curtail it as much as possible. Last Christmas, our daughter’s favourite thing to play with (and it kept her occupied for HOURS) wasn’t the expensive toy, it was the BOX THE TOY CAME IN. Maybe that’s going back to (2) – maybe she just hasn’t learned to be disappointed yet. Give it time, cariad: if my track record is anything to go by, I’ll be very surprised if some of your first five words aren’t ‘Did you keep the receipt?’

I have no doubt that the learning – hers and mine – will continue. I mean, this is only 18 months in. I have yet to try to remember any of the really important and useful stuff, like math, science and how to eat an Oreo cookie. PROPERLY.