Things that make me go ewwwwwww: feet.

I think it's safe and not too controversial to say that most people have feet (apologies to any un-pedalled people out there). And I've got news for everyone who DOES have feet: your feet are ugly. That's right - you. Don't care if you're Olivia Munn or John Merrick, your feet are all kinds of nasty. George Clooney (is he still meant to be hot?), Brad Pitt, Kate Beckinsale, Anne Hathaway. Rank, gnarly, gross, blergh.

In fact, I bet you can't guess the pretty people these hideous hooves belong to. These are attractive, powerful and probably very kind people. But their feet make me want to hurl.

Now, please don't misunderstand. I'm suggesting neither that these people have particularly ugly feet, or that the look of their feet has any bearing whatsoever on their talent, their looks or their inherent worth as a human being. I'm just saying that just like pooping, everybody has ugly feet.

And I can hear the outcries of protest. 'Not me,' you say. 'I get pedicures and moisturise religiously'.  Yes, you; and no, it doesn't matter. If you have feet, they're ugly. Anybody who tells you that there is another option is selling something, and it's probably a disgusting foot skin grater like this:

So please: thinking about wearing sandals? Wear socks, too. Going to paint your toenails? Don't bother - that just makes it worse. And, for the LOVE OF GOD... the next time you take a holiday snap of the pool or beach that you're laying at, don't include your feet in the frame. Leave them out and let me enjoy the view. You may be beautiful, and the chaise lounge that you're reclining in might have the best view of a sunset on the most amazing beach the world has ever seen - but your feet are ugly. Fact.


PS... for anyone playing at home, those feet belong to Oprah, Katie Holmes and Kate Beckinsale. For reals.