Not only does this week herald my illustrious return to all things Blogolicious, but I've been back to the gym again, too. I dunno… maybe it's my impending 40th birthday that has catapulted me back into action, maybe it's the slightly longer days. Maybe it's the full moon and the fact that I've had lasagne for the last three consecutive meals (the only thing better than brinner is dinkfast)… but I'm feeling… motivated. Yea, me!
Being a people watcher (and judger – I'm terrible), one of the funniest – and most dangerous – place to observe the human psyche is in the locker room of the gym. This week, I started wondering what rules people play by when they're in various states of undressed exertion. Does a code exist? Some people are loud, very loud, and treat the locker room as they might their local pub. Can you imagine how different the opening scene to Cheers would be? Others are shy, very shy, to the point where you start to wonder why they chose to put themselves in that pressure-cooker in the first place. And make no mistake: the locker room is a tinderbox of testosterone, and is from the very first moment you step into one as an adolescent. So much so, in fact, that there are countless websites offering advice on how to act – and how not to act – when in the possible presence of other people's private parts. Are there established locker room rules? You can bet your last homophobic dollar there are.
All of the websites I could find seemed to centre around one or two key principles. 1. Don't do anything that might make anyone else think you're gay. That includes making too much or too little eye contact. Don't talk too much, or say too little. Wear as many clothes as possible for as long as possible. And never, NEVER look down. 2. Don't do anything that might encourage anyone who IS gay to attack you, which they obviously would if they thought they had a chance. This includes making too much or too little eye contact. Don't talk too much, or say too little. Wear as many clothes as possible for as long as possible. And never, NEVER look down.
I'm sensing a slant to these 'rules', and I'm not entirely sure it matches up with what I've experienced. First of all, you'll never get so much cock shoved in your face as you will in a football team's locker room. Under the guise of machismo, there is always – and I mean ALWAYS – one guy doing something publically with his penis. We had a guy who used to present the 'fruit cup' after ever practice. He was a short but well-endowed fullback who would tuck his bits between his legs, bend over and show us all his junk. Funny? Yes. Appetising? No. And it wasn't just him… you had the willy-whipper, the nutsack-flicker, the towel-snapper – everywhere you turned, someone was attacking your genitals,or playing with their own. It was intimidating at the time, and maybe that was the point – but it never felt sexually charged, gay or otherwise. It just seems oddly and unnecessarily defensive to suggest that friendly and consensual interaction in a locker room, gonadal or otherwise, means anything at all.
And, even with that (terrible) advice, I still have some questions. I'm past the point of caring in my own life, but maybe younger fellas will be wondering what to do in these situations. Maybe I'll think them through another time.
I'm sensing a slant to these 'rules', and I'm not entirely sure it matches up with what I've experienced. First of all, you'll never get so much cock shoved in your face as you will in a football team's locker room. Under the guise of machismo, there is always – and I mean ALWAYS – one guy doing something publically with his penis. We had a guy who used to present the 'fruit cup' after ever practice. He was a short but well-endowed fullback who would tuck his bits between his legs, bend over and show us all his junk. Funny? Yes. Appetising? No. And it wasn't just him… you had the willy-whipper, the nutsack-flicker, the towel-snapper – everywhere you turned, someone was attacking your genitals,or playing with their own. It was intimidating at the time, and maybe that was the point – but it never felt sexually charged, gay or otherwise. It just seems oddly and unnecessarily defensive to suggest that friendly and consensual interaction in a locker room, gonadal or otherwise, means anything at all.
And, even with that (terrible) advice, I still have some questions. I'm past the point of caring in my own life, but maybe younger fellas will be wondering what to do in these situations. Maybe I'll think them through another time.
- When you're getting dressed, do you face the wall, so that your butt is facing everyone, or do you face the middle of the room so your willy is on show?
- Same question when you're showering.
- In a communal shower block, what is the right order to populate the shower heads?
- How much washing is too much?
- Is it ever OK to use your towel to 'floss' your bits?
- Is it ever OK to pee in the shower?
- How much of your personal hygiene routine is it acceptable to perform at the gym sink?
Yeah, I think I'll think about those later. Watch this space, y'all. But don't look at me while you're doing it.
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