TuNesday: Gweneth Paltrow

I’m not a mega-huge fan of the concept of Celebrity. I mean, I admire some famous people, but for the most part it’s every-day people doing extraordinary things that impresses me most. When ads come on the telly, I’m often (to my wife’s considerable chagrin) asking ‘Who’s that; are they famous?’ It actually works out pretty well because one of her best party tricks is being able to identify even the pond-scummiest of Z-list celebs in their ‘before/after they were famous’ roles. So I’m thinking she loves it, really, when I ask where I’ve seen that person before. Or , better yet, when I claim a connection that isn’t there – even when I know it’s not. Good times.

Maybe it’s my wilful ignorance of celebrity status that makes me delight and despair in equal measure at some TV and movie stars' attempts to branch out and establish some kind of reputation with a skill other than acting. The best (worst) examples of this tend to come when acting celebs sing, and vice versa. At their worst, these forays into the other frontiers of entertainment serve as a great reminder that some of these people who attract so much fanfare for their acting (some of it well-deserved), are really, really terrible singers. I’ve already alluded to Stephen Segal’s band and Leonard Nimoy’s classic "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins", but for anyone who’s not seen or heard how bad it can get when it goes badly wrong, have a gander and this gem on the tinterweb, and try not to be creeped out. Go on, I dare you. I’m not sure what freaks me out most: the fact that he’s wearing Mr. Spock ears, the fact that he’s got drugged-up kids dancing around him (also wearing Vulcan ears) or the truly terrible song itself. You be the judge:

As bad as that is (and I’d like to think that there’s plenty more “Celebrity Songs that Never Should Have Been Sung” out there), when it goes well, you kind of get blown away. It’s like the entertainment equivalent to a decathlete (or heptathlete); it seems unbelievable that one person can be so genuinely and broadly talented. And this week, my TuNesday spotlight shines on the current Jessica Ennis of entertainment, Gweneth Paltrow. 

For some, Paltrow’s recent exposure as a singer will come as no surprise. If you’re even remotely Gleeky, you would have cooed and squirmed in nerdy pleasure when she appeared in 2010’s ‘The Substitute’ (and will squeal even more enthusiastically when you hear that she’s due to make at least 2 more appearances this year and more again in Season 3). And as much as I love (hate) Glee, I tend to think that her time at Glee is more for fun, whereas stuff like her role in ‘Country Strong’ is more serious. Does that make some kind of statement about the gravity of the TV show versus that of the movie, specifically and in general? Maybe. But, to me, as much as I enjoy listening to her on Glee, what she does on the soundtrack to the film feels more important to her than the stuff on the box. Take this week’s offering, for example… it feels real, it feels emotional. And I haven’t listened to country since my days in the Palouse – and songs like this take me back there immediately. Personally, I think this is one of those cases where people will (or ought to) realise that Paltrow is a real vocal talent; she’s no pointy-eared sci-fi actor trying to milk the proverbial cash hobbit.

Tim TeeVee: Starblazers

When I was (much younger), my parents did their best to encourage my brother and me to read. And it worked, to an extent. I was a voracious reader from the age that I learned how (thanks, Bro) to the point in my postgraduate studies where it seemed like all I ever did do was read, and none of it for fun. However much I enjoyed reading, though, I love television more. Given the choice of reading Encyclopedia Brown or watching the Muppet Show, I'd pick the Muppet Show every time. It got to the point that when my parents felt the need to punish me - they didn't prevent me from going outside, they encouraged it by putting me on 'Restriction'. In other words, I could ONLY watch so much TV a day, and it was up to me to choose how I spent that precious time with my ever-faithful best friend. I remember being so desperate to watch TV that I used to just listen to the TV through the air-conditioning vents in our house (that is, when my brother and I weren't filling them up with baby talc or Old Spice to make our rooms smell 'nice'). It was no great surprise, then, when my parents took to calling me Tim TeeVee, and began to employ what can only be called 'fear mongering' tactics and outright guerilla warfare to lure me away from the box. And that was BEFORE we got HBO, and that was before HBO starting putting PINs on their boxes so media-starved little nerdlings like me could see stuff we really weren't meant to be seeing. But that fact, and my adolescent relationship with Darryl Hannah, is probably stuff for another post, if not another blog altogether.

It was also before Japanese anime was anywhere near as mainstream in the West as it is now. There were no little Pokemon to be gotten, no Dragonballs to be found; even the Transformers were only in their infantile state as the still insanely awesome and kick-ass Shogun Warriors. Even if Japanese animation was popular, I wouldn't have known it - as  8-year old, the only thing that mattered to me was that whatever was on the screen could take me places I didn't think books could - and my favourite pre-teen cartoon, 'Starblazers' certainly filled that bill.

The original series was released in the US in 1979. It told the story of a group of soldiers (probably rag-tag... aren't they all?) who have to race from Earth to a far-off planet to retrieve a weapon to help them defeat an alien force that has all but destroyed their home world. The catch? They only have a year to get there and back before Earth is totally wasted. Every episode began with 'Previously, on Star Blazers...' and ended with 'Only xx days left before the Gamilons  destroy Earth! Will (xx get out of dilemma xx) in time? Tune in next time...' Classic serialisation at its cliffhanging best. But why write a synopsis when the theme song tells you everything you need to know...?

Man, just hearing that again gets my juices flowing. The show created timeless characters like the cheeky 'Dash' Jordan, swashbuckling Derek Wildstar, plucky heroine Nova and, of course, the ever-present (until he dies), ever-wise Captain Avatar (we didn't even know what an avatar was back then!) and pitted them against the evil Gamilons and Comet Empire (season 2) , each hell-bent on Earth's destruction. Yeah, looking back, the animation isn't amazing - but that's more a factor of the media it was written to than the style or skill of the animators. It's so clearly beyond the scope of the Dragonball and Pokemon that it frustrates me to know that Starblazers is relatively unknown thanks to the mass appeal of its inferior posterity.

Recently, I've been made aware of a live-action reboot into a feature film, and I am at once excited and scared. Will it recapture or ruin the magic of my single-digit days...? Will Nova still make me go to bed at night dreaming of the stars? And most importantly, will the sound of Boomer's voice uttering his immortal command to 'Fire the wave motion gun' still send shivers down my earth-bound spine? Man, I hope so. If not, I'll have to begin a year-long quest to uncover some original series on DVD before it's too late...

TuNesday: To Glee or not to Glee

I realise that what I’m about to say may destroy whatever credibility I have built with previous TuNesday posts. It may actually diminish the credibility of my entire blog; what serious writer writes about a cult TV show that will, inevitably, be gone before the music fades. But as I watched the ‘Justin Beiber’ epside of Glee last night and laughed out loud at some of the story, I felt moved to admit that I teeter precariously on the verge Gleekdom. I am not a full-blown die-hard fan, but I make sure I watch it and I’ve enjoyed more episodes than not.

The truth is: I have a very strong love/hate relationship with Glee. There are bits of it I truly adore. Like Brittney. She is by far the funniest person in the show – how can you NOT laugh at lines like “Is God an evil dwarf?”; “I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a Dentist”; and (referring to a motorised prosthetic device to help Arnie walk that she found under her Christmas tree) “I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Transformer.” I love the talent that is on display, and I love that it brings music back into my life every week. I like that it doesn’t take itself too seriously and is willing to admit that every song they share, like the episodes themselves, is not everyone’s cup of tea.


Sadly, the list stuff I don’t love so much is beginning to grow. I really am beginning to hate Mr. Schuester. Actually, I don’t hate him so much on screen as I do off-screen. I man, his character has pretty much been sidelined recently, so there’s not much to love or hate about him on air. But pictures of him like this make me want to hurl. As does the fact that he’s bringing out a solo album, and that one of his personal quotes on IMDB reads: “I'm not comfortable with the idea of my sex appeal, but I know in my job I have to use it. I wish I could say I got to this point in my career based on my talent, but I don't think that's true.” Why, Schue, why??? I think Matthew Morrison is the reason that Sue Sylvester’s jibes at Mr Schuester have grown funnier to me in the past few months: the guy seems like an ass.

Now, there are more things that both enthral and bother me about Glee, but I’ll stick to my TuNesday remit for now and concentrate on the music. I love that the show introduces me to or (more often than not) reminds me of music that used to play a big part in my younger life. The whole Journey revival and the constant presence of Glee covers in the charts may have been annoying, but Don’t Stop Believing is an awesome track, and I have to admit that the Glee version of it was refreshing – it still gets my toes tapping. I loved Neil Patrick Harris’ episode -if you've not yet checked out Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog, you need to do so immediately! You can watch the first in the window below, but I highly recommend buying the whole thing on iTunes. Thank me later.

The talent of the actors in the show is undeniable – even if you don’t particularly like their music. However, for every song they’ve dusted off and given new life, they’ve also murdered one in return. They have played a few songs badly, and – perhaps more damaging – they have done good covers of songs I loved and thought would be my tasteful little secret for years to come.

An example of the former that springs to mind immediately is Mr. Schuester and Puck’s rendition of ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’. Now, for anyone hearing this ukulele arrangement for the first time, you might think ‘Wow. That’s pretty clever.’ But you’re wrong. Actually, you’re not wrong, you’re just being duped into thinking that Glee made it as good as that. I hate that they’ve ripped this off from Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole, and his version that is quite literally one of the prettiest pieces of music I’ve ever heard. The man was massive, and his delicate version of the song belies his sizable frame. The song always makes me teary, in a good way… which is probably why the Glee version makes me so incredibly annoyed. Maybe that’s the power of Glee – and the spectrum of music that they cover ensures that they will move people to equal extremes, depending on any viewer’s attachment with the song they’re reviving/destroying (take your pick).